'I understand you're a member of the Kemnay school football team,' said a visiting uncle to seven-year-old Johnny. 'What position do you play?' 'I'm not sure,' answered the boy, 'but I think I heard the coach say that I was the team's main drawback.'

    David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. 'What's that for ?' he says. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the salesman. Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' he says. 'You ought to take it to work,' she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day. 'What've you got there, son?' asks Sir Alex. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says David. 'That's a good idea,' says the manager. 'What have you got in it?' 'Coffee,' says David. 'And some ice cream.'

    'Heskey,' said the coach angrily after a disastrous match, 'your playing was lousy. You're a disgrace to the team.'
    'Don't listen to him, Emile,' said a team-mate, trying to be encouraging. 'He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says.'

Ref: I'm sending you off.
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match of course!

Which part of a football ground is never the same from one day to the next?
The changing rooms.

Which team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla.

What should a team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

David Beckham recently bought a sleeping bag.
It took him weeks to wake it up.

What do you call a laughing footballer?
Ryan Giggles!

Why are the seats at football grounds always cold?
Because there's a fan in every one!

Player 1: Sorry I missed that penalty, I could kick myself.
Player 2: Don't worry you'll probably miss.

    A man was being interviewed on television after winning £1,000,000 on the football pools. 'What are you going to do with all that money asked the interviewer?' 'I'm going to spend the first £250,000 on wines, spirits and beer,' said the winner cheerfully, 'and the second £250,000 on horses, dogs and cards.' 'I see,' said the interviewer, somewhat taken aback. 'And then,' continued the winner, 'I shall spend £250,000 on women and loose living generally.' 'Quite, quite,' the interviewer interrupted hurriedly. 'And what will you do with the remaining £250,000?' 'Oh, I'll probably just fritter that away,' he replied.

    Little Jimmy was having tea with his auntie. 'Now what do you do on Saturday afternoons?' she asked.
    'I go to watch Aberdeen play football,' replied the child.
    'And what do you do on Sunday afternoons?'
    'I go to Sunday School.'
    'And which do you like best?'
    'There's not much to choose between them, really,' said the boy. 'At Sunday School they tell me to stand up for Jesus' sake and at the football match they tell me to sit down for God's sake!'

    Did you hear about the Scotsman who went down to Wembley for an international match between Scotland and England? When he returned home, one of his mates said, 'Was it a big gate, Jock?'
    'It was that,' he replied. 'One of the biggest I've ever had to climb over.'

    It was the local supporters' club annual dance. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
    'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.

    The goalkeeper of Inverurie works football team had just let in his hundredth goal of the season. As the team was leaving the ground after the match, he said cheerfully, 'Has anyone got ten pence for the phone - I want to call a friend.'
    'Here's twenty pence,' said a team-mate. 'You will be able to call all your friends'.

Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?

A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.